This Year I died…..

0E32FCFB-0BB4-4E9C-9C72-1F04A6AC5DA5Recently I told someone this year I died. Their reaction was ‘Please don’t say that!’…Then I went on to tell them about my death.. Coming into the year my head was big on what all I was gonna do that I forgot to be… My ego was set on so many superficial things. I had a decent amount of money saved, I was already my goal weight and I had a few opportunities lined up. So I set out to with my head filled with just those things and of course my eye on my prizes (I just wanted my$$ bags). I didn’t know or realize that I was still carrying past hurts from old friendships and past relationships or that I was perceiving the world and people from those very places. Certain people I couldn’t allow myself to trust, or open up to nor could I put myself in places where I felt vulnerable. I relied on the very things I mentioned such as the opportunities or knowing I had a savings for security. Then in the middle of the year I’d been on over 20 interviews, I was making an independent film and I was a journalist part time. Needless to say I started losing my shit… I started feeling like I was peddling and was stuck still. I started feeling like perhaps I wasn’t worthy of the things I had came for. Then I was giving more energy to the things and people around me than I was allowing myself to receive. I was attracting people to me who I wouldn’t even allow close due to the fact I was still wounded. By June I was walking anxiety… I didn’t understand just how I had it all figured out to not knowing what the fuck was going on. I was losing my shit..atleast thats how I felt. Constantly changing my hair until I woke up and cut it all off one day… still searching for my By August I pulled back… certain people I let go of, I had finished the film, and my journalist intern session had ended. I finally allowed myself to be still. I started peeling back the layers…I began to see where I was bleeding and had allowed it to stain my life. Somethings weren’t what I thought they were rather I was looking through stained glasses. I had to clean them…. I began to see where I moved on and never healed…many times over. So I had to sit with and heal my pain.. People I pointed to blame but all along maybe I was just use to playing the victim. My lane is 30 i’m trying to do 100 to keep up… Nah, no more… I totally misperceived who I am. I’m not in a rat race and the people who may’ve hurt them perhaps I wounded them I began to say I love you’s and apologies to gain my peace back and to see my own fuck ups…you see I wasn’t seeing my own fuckups…those very things is what I was carrying around. No not anymore…..I died to those ways of seeing myself and perceiving my own life. It took a lot of tears, pounds of weed (lmao) and a lot of sleepless nights…but i’m at peace again. I love…I forgive…I feel…and i’m so damn grateful for this death of many to be reborn stronger, better, brighter and wiser. I’m blessed. I shed skin…and here I am dilating through rebirth like a phoenix from its own ashes…Blessed, Grateful and Sooooo Thankful! I’m back and I’m better in my B-Tiller voice👸🏾. It’s time….


What it means to Level UP….

IMG_7904‘Never changed up, I just Leveled up’……My favorite line dropped from my favorite rapper (Fab of course). The phrase ‘level up’ has been real popular in pop culture lately. And its no coincidence as the level of consciousness of the planet is shifting up. And it happens as we level up individually in consciousness. So what does it mean to LEVEL UP?  To level up means to strive to be your best self. The things, people, places, tasks are all to evolve you into a higher better version of yourself. Life has a set of tasks, depending on your walk of life and the things that has shaped you determines your set of struggles.  Your struggles could be mental, physical, emotional or all. Once they may appear unbearable or seem to be in control of you. But the battle is learning how strong you are and what overcoming said struggles make you once overcome. Each time you overcome said struggle you level up to another level of YOU. You see how you’re able to conquer anything. Revealing exactly who you are to you… life is tricky at one point things can seem so fluid and peaceful and the grounds can instantly switch. If you’re strong enough you can always see that stronger version of you at the end of the tunnel. The biggest battle is the mental challenge. You always can, but when you live in a mental prison called your mind that says you can’t all you see are the obstacles you perceive and whats worst is you believe them. We have a lot of comfort and many times its that very comfort we have to get uncomfortable evolving past. Letting go of friends, family members, places that we once considered comfortable because we could never truly Level Up until we evolve past those things. It’s not about being comfortable it’s about challenging yourself to evolve past your own limitations until you’re at your highest being aligned with your Queen/King Consciousness. 5 years ago I was comfortable smoking weed all day and getting lost in my thoughts, although apart of me knew that eventually that part of  me would have to take a back seat because I want my divine inheritance above all else. I heard my calling, calling me. As time went on many things began to shift I experienced a lot of pain. People who I was once comfortable with or around didn’t necessarily understand me or resonate with me. Or they felt because I was changing I wanted to change them. I could’ve neglected myself and held on to what was now outgrown friends or acquaintances. And I actually tried but I was dying within. I couldn’t hold on even if I wanted to once the energy os gone the relationship naturally falls away. Lovers, friends, family members. People i’d come to know my entire life (thus far). I even questioned myself because I became lonely and didn’t understand exactly what was happening. I felt like i’d betrayed people, I felt guilty but I also felt like I was doing right by myself and inner journey so there was a lot of confusion and conflict…. But I never changed up, I just Leveled Up!