This Year I died…..

0E32FCFB-0BB4-4E9C-9C72-1F04A6AC5DA5Recently I told someone this year I died. Their reaction was ‘Please don’t say that!’…Then I went on to tell them about my death.. Coming into the year my head was big on what all I was gonna do that I forgot to be… My ego was set on so many superficial things. I had a decent amount of money saved, I was already my goal weight and I had a few opportunities lined up. So I set out to with my head filled with just those things and of course my eye on my prizes (I just wanted my$$ bags). I didn’t know or realize that I was still carrying past hurts from old friendships and past relationships or that I was perceiving the world and people from those very places. Certain people I couldn’t allow myself to trust, or open up to nor could I put myself in places where I felt vulnerable. I relied on the very things I mentioned such as the opportunities or knowing I had a savings for security. Then in the middle of the year I’d been on over 20 interviews, I was making an independent film and I was a journalist part time. Needless to say I started losing my shit… I started feeling like I was peddling and was stuck still. I started feeling like perhaps I wasn’t worthy of the things I had came for. Then I was giving more energy to the things and people around me than I was allowing myself to receive. I was attracting people to me who I wouldn’t even allow close due to the fact I was still wounded. By June I was walking anxiety… I didn’t understand just how I had it all figured out to not knowing what the fuck was going on. I was losing my shit..atleast thats how I felt. Constantly changing my hair until I woke up and cut it all off one day… still searching for my By August I pulled back… certain people I let go of, I had finished the film, and my journalist intern session had ended. I finally allowed myself to be still. I started peeling back the layers…I began to see where I was bleeding and had allowed it to stain my life. Somethings weren’t what I thought they were rather I was looking through stained glasses. I had to clean them…. I began to see where I moved on and never healed…many times over. So I had to sit with and heal my pain.. People I pointed to blame but all along maybe I was just use to playing the victim. My lane is 30 i’m trying to do 100 to keep up… Nah, no more… I totally misperceived who I am. I’m not in a rat race and the people who may’ve hurt them perhaps I wounded them too..so I began to say I love you’s and apologies to gain my peace back and to see my own fuck ups…you see I wasn’t seeing my own fuckups…those very things is what I was carrying around. No not anymore…..I died to those ways of seeing myself and perceiving my own life. It took a lot of tears, pounds of weed (lmao) and a lot of sleepless nights…but i’m at peace again. I love…I forgive…I feel…and i’m so damn grateful for this death of many to be reborn stronger, better, brighter and wiser. I’m blessed. I shed skin…and here I am dilating through rebirth like a phoenix from its own ashes…Blessed, Grateful and Sooooo Thankful! I’m back and I’m better in my B-Tiller voice👸🏾. It’s time….

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